The Green Eyed Doggerel: A Dastardly Tale of Magic Gone Wrong

“Doggerel (noun): verse that is badly written / comic verse in irregular time”

Thank god you’re reading this. It would definitely come out all wrong if I tried to tell you out loud.

So this is how it happened. I’d been hiding behind the A-G Junior Fiction shelf for only three seconds or less, before I realised my BIG mistake! As I crouched into ‘transformation go stance,’ intending to transform into a massive Harry Potter hardback, that would’ve been funny right, I noticed the green eyed doggerel sitting, drooling beside my right flank.

Now if you know the rules of ‘transformation go,’ you will be as horrified as I was! By taking the stance, ‘whilst flanked to the right by any living creature that engenders horror, the horrified stance taker will be irrevocably affected by said horrifying being.’ These are the rules, these were and always will be the rules and I knew them.

So what happened that could be so awful? Just listen while I tell you out loud. Prepare yourself though, it’s a disaster.

‘I should have checked before I morphed!
Now forever I’ll be dwarfed
in language less than great.
Everything I say from now, will well and truly grate.
My words will rhyme
All out of time
Because of that green doggerel.
He had big ears, a wagging tail but was a fiendish moggrel
I mean a mongrel!

My rhymes, they aren’t good
Not like a poet’s rhymes should…. be

They’re not in keeping with high literatures’ ruling.
And to make it worse,
my doggereled speech,
is accompanied by drooling!!!’

So it’s here, online and here only in the chat room, that I have to make my entire social life. Thank heavens I can write like a normal humagic and not reveal the idiocy of careless transforming with every spoken word. Before this disaster I had high hopes of gaining access to the local Selective Transformational College, but, having made such a monumental error in practical wisdom skills, I have to kiss those dreams goodbye. Luckily it’s not my only humagenic gift. My dad was a Transformational Savant but my mother was an amazing Dance Craze, Daze Maker and lucky for me I have both their gifts. Looks like in public, I’m gonna have to confine myself to bustin’ out with the funky power moves and my transformation skills will have to be my secondary gift. It’s off to the arts academy for me. I’m guessing I’d better learn universal sign language if I want to communicate with people in the same geographic location without making them feel nauseous.
I’m cursing the day I played hide and seek in that store. But if you want to hear something totally sick, you should here me swear out loud… but then again, maybe not.

Posted in EWG Bookshop Competition Entries.